When I started dating my husband, his three teenage kids were part of the picture. While I was around them a lot, I wouldn't call it a traditional motherly role – more like a helpful guidance and friendship. Their living arrangements didn't involve living with my husband full-time, so even though I was there to support him, I didn't play a role in the daily responsibilities of raising them. Since I don't have kids of my own, I've learned primarily through observing and understanding others' experiences in this area.
About seven years ago, my husband's daughter had a child, his baby. As soon as he was born, I felt an instant connection, but I wasn't sure how I fit in. Should I act like an additional grandparent or consider him more like a nephew or young cousin?
Over time, it's become clear that he's my grandson - that's how our relationship feels. I've become a constant presence in his life due to his mom's busy schedule with the Army, as she's a single mom. Most of the time, his mom is away on out-of-town duties, and her son stays with his maternal grandmother, but he spends every other weekend with my husband and me until the end of the school year, at which point he'll join his mom permanently in the south.
Learning The Grandparent Role
Many grandparents will tell you that their role is all about providing love, support, and guidance. They usually don't handle the hands-on daily tasks of raising kids. Every family is different, some grandparents raise their grandkids on their own, while others share responsibilities with other family members. But I'm different: I'm parenting for the first time through my grandchild after missing out on the traditional "mother" experience. It's a steep learning curve, from figuring out how to feed him as he grows to discussing sensitive topics and setting boundaries.
As psychologist Matthew Morand said, "Navigating first-time experiences in parenting and most other areas of life often gets a negative view. It's assumed that because you have no experience, you'll automatically mess things up. When looking for ways to handle problems with a grandchild when you've never had a child of your own, treat them the way you wish you had been treated when you were young."
Navigating Sensitive Subjects
I'm starting to notice that as my grandson grows older, awkward and tough conversations keep coming up. His curiosity about our family gets stronger, and there are things we're not really used to discussing with him. For instance, he's been asking more about our relationships and roles within the family, such as why I consider him my grandson, considering I'm not actually the mom. Recently, he's started calling me by my first name, which is a little unorthodox but seems to be making us both feel more at ease.
A licensed clinical psychologist, Kristen Piering, shared this advice with me, "Your relationship with your grandson is unlike any other in his life, which is a good thing. Embrace this role for a lifelong relationship."
I've noticed a difference in his behavior when we're alone versus when he's with his grandfather or mom. There's a side of his personality that comes out when it's just us, and I think he feels more at ease being goofy with me.
He's also starting to grasp that his mom's job in the military is different from most people's. Sometimes he gets emotional because she's often away, even though he understands why, and I've never seen a kid so proud of his parent. Topics like these need to be handled carefully; I'm figuring out the right balance between sharing information with him without overwhelming him.
My approach is to tailor my response to his level of understanding and be a calming, steady source of guidance. My purpose is to offer reassurance and support, and sometimes that means not fully explaining everything, but definitely not giving him false information.
Boundaries And Discipline
Learning about discipline has been a priority for me. My husband and I have established clear boundaries, but figuring out how strict I should be is a challenge. I'm wondering if I should be more firm or give him more freedom, or let my husband take more responsibility for setting guidelines. On one hand, I want to be the fun grandparent he enjoys spending time with. On the other hand, I want him to understand that rules are necessary to keep him safe and help him grow.
Piering recommended, "When a child has many people who care for them, it's beneficial for there to be consistency and stability across homes and caregivers, like a regular bedtime or limits on screen time. This makes it easier for him to transition and understand that the adults in his life are working together for his benefit." We do this as much as we can for those reasons.
Listening to my grandson and giving him choices has made a huge difference. He feels important and valued when he has a say in what happens. He can choose which game to play or what to wear, and I've noticed this gives him a sense of control. At first, I was a bit hesitant, but I'm learning that there's no one-size-fits-all approach to parenting. This is my first time being a caregiver, and even if I'd been a parent before, there wouldn't be a guarantee that what worked with one child would work with my grandchild.
* **Strict parents**: Maintain rules and clear orders but work closely with parents to allowing them to teach them the actual reason behind of those rules.
Would I have been laid back and easy to get along with as a mom, or would I have been strict and driven by all the ups and downs of parenting? I'll never really know for sure, but becoming a grandparent has given me a little taste of what it might have been like. The time he spends with us is limited to just a few days at a time, and then things go back to our regular routine. Motherhood usually isn't that straightforward, so I'll never know what the real challenges of being a mom are like. I won't get to experience all the good things about being a parent, either.
It's reassuring to feel that I play a significant role in this boy's life and that I'm supporting his mother's hard work for our country. I'm discovering my own personal strengths and weaknesses. Taking care of kids is a valuable learning experience for anyone, and just as I'm helping to shape him, he's also teaching me new things and helping me develop qualities like patience that I never knew I had.
According to Piering, "Just because you may not have had children doesn't mean you're any less deserving or capable of being a good caregiver. Not having prior parenting experience allows you to approach this role with a new perspective, enabling you to think creatively and avoid being limited by outdated parenting standards or traditional practices from 20-30 years ago."
Shira Schwartz, a school psychologist and school district administrator who has spent nearly 20 years working with families, knows a thing or two about kids with multiple caregivers. She notes, “A key element that often gets overlooked is staying connected and working together with kids, especially when trying to solve problems. I'm not saying we should give in to everything kids want us to do, but getting to know the kids as individuals, showing genuine interest in their hobbies and passions, and tapping into their strengths and talents is something that almost everyone can strive for – it's not something that comes naturally to all parents overnight.”
I'm discovering the parent I might have been while embracing the grandmother I've become. My decision to not have children wasn't something I took lightly, and I still believe I made the right choice. But I never expected I'd become a grandmother. When I'm with my grandchild, I'm realizing family roles can evolve and are flexible. Though he may not be my biological grandchild, and I may not have had the traditional experience of being a mother, my love for him is undeniable.